Voices of silence

"Mere Jannu. You arrest me on net and each day I entered late into my office. Better next time let me go before.”

There is nothing left for me to tell her. Her last sentence was getting on my nerves. I feel nothing to write further probably in this way I was trying to be of some use to her.

"Mere Jannu, What happen?" I read her on my screen.

I can't tell her what has happened? How my mind is just blocked. I am no more sitting with my own senses. Some bridge is broken. It will take time to rebuilt. I realize and feel to remain silent.

"See! you are not at your seat, are you?"

I read her again on my screen, but I care not to pull me off from my silence. I want to stay there, as if I could still make some difference. I hardly pay attention that she might be running out of time. I want her to know how sorry I am. I want her to know how hurt I am feeling after knowing her reaction.

But why? She is just correct with her words. My other half probably say to me. She needs to look after many things of life, whole day she has to mesh up with her many responsibilities. I should not dig up a bunch of emotional stuff before her to feel herself bad. I feel like convinced but I don't find a heart to write further. I am probably unreachable. I am feeling to tell her that at her absence how this moment froze. How silence surrounds me and I beg some more words, some more "mere jannu" words on my computer screen from her. But as she walk off from here, she took many nameless things with her than she can expect. I feel very nullified and dead after her. I want her to be here, here by me..... for ever!!!

How long does it take to fall in love.

We have seen films, read books and talked long about it but do we really know how things works?

Simple! Man and woman meet, talk about many wonderful things of life and felt a strong urge to meet again to talk again and finally concludes- they are in love.

Is love so simple? So easy to understand.

Mostly these cheesy things end up as bubbles in water. Its scars remain long in mind and heart then we fear from any kind of serious relationship. Love then becomes a distant dream.
But sometimes eyes find someone whom heart can best dream off then the problem comes and it happens more often than not.

We fear to give ourselves entirely to anyone. We remember that pain, that loss that separation.
Pain is not something like happiness that we can shear and feel light. It is something very profound in nature. It keeps reminding, keep stoping, keep reducing the fermentation of our blood.
Our fear becomes our controlling engine that always drives us away from our most important and most vulnerable influence of emotion called- Love.
We find ourselves caught in destiny’s mysterious web. It is now too late to allow ourselves to start afresh and we are forced to live with a deeper sense of cruelty of loneliness in our heart.

Break this fear, learn new things become a new and fall in love. The wound will heal, the pain will vanish, the separation will be a story of past and your soul-mate will be in your heart.
Love is a wonderful emotion that takes time to grow, when it touches the life, life finds its real meaning.

After all how much time it takes to fall in love: the new research of Professors at the University of Pennsylvania says that when it comes to picking a suitable life partner, we just take three seconds of time.

This research was done over 100,000 people who were given three minutes of time with speedy dating event to find out how the whole attraction works? Participants had three minutes to get to know each other, the researchers discovered that decisions were usually made within the first three seconds.

Have you ever suffered for love

“Have you ever suffered for love?” I was not expecting such a question in such a good evening from a lady friend of mine. I gave her a silent look then pass a smile and soon we talked about rest other things of world around us. But when I came home her question rose its head in my mind.

I looked all around me but I found nothing was there to hold me away from this question. I feel forced to reply it, tonight.

After my first romantic disappointment, I didn’t allow myself to look at this side of my world. I tried to escape and at the same time tried hard to understand what love is? It became important for me to know what I did? Was it really love or something else. I tried to understand but i got no reply.

The beauty of love could only be perceived and can’t be defined.

But I found this news had become the first news among my friends and they were having a lot of fun in teasing me as if they were just meant for this. I started to feel bad about them and I tried to stay away of everybody’s way.

I rarely liked spending my any time around other people of my age. Soon it became a part of my lifestyle. I was with adult people. I knew how to talk to adults. It was refreshing to spend time with them. I loved talking to them, listening to them, knowing about their experiences in life and how they feel about life.

I sometime dearsay to ask about their bygone affairs. Some even try to open their mouth and post this ask me never to open my mouth in public in such confidential matters.

I found a lot many interest in knowing how people lived as their relation come to an end. Will they ever prefer to remember them when they forgot it? I tried to compare my situation with them. I definitely got a strong believe that love holds a very strong emotion that never old with age.

It is new and always refreshing to go into the past moments romantic life. People enjoy this even though they pretend badly now there is nothing in mind. I loved listening these words.

But I noticed that these moment sprouted a wonderful relationship between me and the person. Sometime that person was a lady. Women are more romantic in nature. They just need a moment to get open after that they will say a good deal of their life.

With a handful of women and men I dared to tell about my romantic disappointment. Definitely they helped me lower down its pressure from my heart.

But why people tease me? No real reply came but i believed that those were not my friends. I made mistake in finding friends and I should look at some new people. I tried and find some like minded friends.

But I was badly shocked to know when I was hooked in married woman. These words was prattled by their husband at home and they were struggling for their good time.

This event badly effected my heart and I felt scared and alone.

I struggled badly to talk to these kind of husbands and now their root of believe strong but I just failed.

I felt my good time with women specially destroyed their good time with their husband for a sort time at least. I promised myself that I don’t need any further curiosity to dip into anyone’s romantic history either a person is a male or not.

I started living my life... a life like a looser, alone.

We should move back.

We should move back
We have walked long
Afternoon we started with our first step
The sun was high and rough
Soon we were thirsty and unrest.

... but it is a sweet evening
Night will be dark
Starts will twinkle
Our dreams will touch reality
We will love our freedom of love

... but someone is waiting for you tonight
Waiting! Without knowing how far you’ve walked.

God's good gift

The 2009 rain down troubles into my life in many ways and needless to say that God seemed to me as a cruel puzzle maker who watched me dispassionately. He was not allowing a small voice of peace into my mind. I was trying hard. I was craving badly but it all seemed futile.

One day, while passing from a market place I show a book - “Get off your knees and pray.” by Sheila Walsh (bestselling author and women of faith speaker). I found the title of the book interesting (probably because of my situation) and out of strong desire to see how the authoress felt about the presence of God when she was low, down, hurt. angry,and numb.

What she has to say about her experience? At the end of the book, does she feel God really exist? Does she have faith after facing the hardship of life? Does she feel God hear us and with any means comes to us to help us or give solace to our wounded heart? I really wanted to know.

I purchased the book and go along with the book for nearly fifty page. This book was well written. I was feeling good but I found it hard to give my undivided attention over the book. Each time I was diverted by my unpalatable situations. My questions were still disturbing me but one thing came in my mind while reading this book that we all have our own crosses to bear, no one is left away.

I feel probably somehow the cruel situation became bearable while having faith on God, while feeling that at the end of the tunnel there is a light, everything will come to normal.

I read the book while skipping pages so to end the book fast but suddenly I read a unbelievable line:
“I still pray but it’s something automatic, and I’m not even sure I still believe in it.... Because I’ve suffered and God didn’t listen to my prayers.” by Paulo Coelho.

He is my all time favorite writer and I have read almost all his novels and such a sentence from such a man I can not dream off.

Indeed life spares no one. Every one has got to be trapped in the web of difficulties of life. And even to my favorite writer was no less untouched.

Paulo Coelho, a writer whose books cast his strong faith on God and His mysterious presence in our life's at different levels that sometimes we see and many time it just remain unseen.

We can see in books like: The alchemist, The Birda, The Pilgrimage and many other novels and articles collection books- Like a flowing river.

Honestly speaking I was shocked by his this line.

But soon I was in middle of my troubles, thinking what can I do now? Things were very confusing. Who was actually trying to help me at that point of time seemed difficult to analyze then. My mind was so full. I was looking for a peaceful space.

I was understanding that I was needing someone very badly.

At home I am the youngest so through out my life I never get the time to face problems over my head and this was no exception. I failed to balance myself. Of course my mother was with me but still I can’t shear everything with her. I had one option to call my elder brother from Mumbai to help me, who was trying to crave his own niche in film industry but it was too painful to ask him to leave all your matter there in the middle and come home, I need you. I was not agreeing at this issue.

Days were passing like years.

In the meanwhile, I was writing letters to one of my net friend on Brazil, nearly everyday. It was a moment when I was with all my raw emotions, piled-up frustrations, and my hatred against God at my such situation. Needless to say that she was shouldering my worst mood and trying to keep me positive.

I think she is the God’s good gift to me.

If now anyone asks why I was writing to her? And what help I was trying to get from her? I could daresay – “no idea.”

But I can definitely say that – “Real relationship demands intimate dialogues.”

My reading and writing habit

“Have I read all these books, haven’t I?” I asked myself and before answering the question in positive I asked myself again why I do that. Although it was a very painful and embarrassing question yet I needed to reply.

It all started with my childhood when my father started tilling my interest in poems, stories and books. He helped me to understand the difficult passages with some simple examples of life. I found it all very interesting and encouraging.

Actually those were the times when the seeds of reading were sown and I started reading books voluntarily and independently. I loved sorting out words, idioms and phrases that could help me express my world of adventure, mystery, tragedy and joy. I wanted to read anything and everything my hands could lay on, from Archie's books to photo romance.

I have so for almost two decades in learning and enriching myself and then I came up with my first novel. I tried many publishers whose books I came across, but none opened their doors for me. I tried to get it published of my own then I needed to hunt out the “people who read.”

Sadly It was a new business to me. I was consigned for a new job which could never be of my taste but I tried hard and I gifted many to many people but gradually I landed with thousands of critics but alas! to admit that there were none to be a reader.

Now I found all the doors are closed. My action suddenly stopped. I asked myself- publishers don’t to publish and readers don’t want to read, for whom I am supposed to burn my midnight oil.

Invariably, I soon realized I did all this for my own pleasure. I read and re-read a book and kept it on the bookshelf to read it again on the future date; to look for something interesting in it and to enjoy in giving these books to its new readers.

But I think there are many such enjoyable books missing from my bookshelves and I have no idea of them ever returning. I believe that a book has its own journey to make and I need not feel sorry for the missing ones. They might be on their long interminable journey. And the journey of my reading and writing keep on going undisturbed.

A wind from the past

Yesterday night, I was spending my time with a book there suddenly mother asked me what new I was reading. First I didn't try to reply her because word after word I was gripped into the emotion of the book. But soon after finishing I liked to shear the story with her.

I continued and nearly I was nearer to the end she just interrupted me by saying- “No mother could bear the lose of her two sons."

True, here exactly the same thing was written. But why she not let me finish the story?
I saw at her. She was transported into a past. An incidence similar to this story of my book had come to pass in her life.where she and my father had come into such difficult situation.

Long back, I was not born, and my two elder brothers were kids. It was an evening and as usual my both elder brother went out to play but both returned back soon, saying – "a uncle was crying badly in the vicinity and several people have gathered there. "This news was given to my father then he went there to know what the matter is?

After an hour or so he returned with shocking news that the man who was in question had lost both kids of his sister. Everyone was crying expect the lady.

Freezing wind might had just freezed the time. My mother didn't dare to word her shock. The beautiful face of the young kids floated over her mind and out of disbelieve she asked– both? How?

God knows how? Her young daughter, who was just three and a half year old got sick and died then within twenty four hour her son, who was five year old, died. Both the bodies were there in the room and in the next room every lady around her sitting and crying but the lady was only staring at the closed door without tears.

God...!

"We both went there." Mom said. My father took a man in confidence and they both went in and took both kids in their hands, bring them before her sight in order to burst her into tears. As they did the frozen sea of her grief just busted uncontrolled.

That lady again conceived a baby after two years or so and soon again but none were like those.

Promise me my sweet stuff

My life becomes more difficult when this probability triggers that I may live my life without my Sweet stuff. It is in her presence my life become more fulfilling and easy. I learn more about the invisible that is more powerful than the visible. I learn that the invisible has the capacity to change many upcoming visible of the life. I learn to believe in the thing which are once only like any fairytale.

Her presence seems to me like a window from there I can view this world wonderful and magical: from there I can see that dreams have some powers and holds importance and meaning in life and not .only that it gives the life its true meaning and far more important reasons to live on...

When she is before my eyes I feel this visible world is kissed by the invisible. My hopes and dreams are all here with us then. I don’t need anything further. I don’t wish any further. My life is just complete.

My sweet stuff, my life is nothing if you are not by me. I will just like an old broken log which can be brunt in a cold night into ashes.

Promise me you will always be with me and our life is lived like a dream...!

You keep things secret

You know i can’t hide anything from you, so don’t say- mere jannu- you keep things secret. Please read and know each other inside out.
1. Not to fight with her any longer.
It sounds sweet but it will theift our habit of saying by counting one to hundread times- sorry.

2. She believes me but doesn’t trust me.
I know, I know what does she mean by this?It is her tricky way to ignore my passionate love.

3. Her sleepy face.
It is wee hour and my love has just wake up from her heavy sleep and looks just as if she has come out of my dream

4. A moment when we laugh together.
When she fails to understand me, first she smiles over my irritation then reads me on her PC and we both laugh.

5. Regular Exercise:
Her habit of spending her long hours on socialising site often make her life hectic.

6. Her curiosity:
With whom i am chating on yahoo messenger?

7. Her fun:
Gives safe heaven to my wishes when i am not at all expecting.

8. My best compliment:
She is just divine. She denies it as if it is not true but it is the most meaningful word to her because it is said by the most important person of her life.

9. Her best compliment:
You are different on mail and on g-talk.

10. Her best way to handle any bad situation between us:
Change the topic. Next day: Yesterday is past, she has forgot. No need to bring it in present.

11. Her complain:
You hurt me. (logic- Only those who are close to heart can hurt.)

12. Her best expersion:
Hummmm!! & rsrsrsrsrs!!

13. Her strength:
Happiness depends on nothing. It is just in your mind.

14. Her weakness:
She can’t forget herself in anyone’s hand.

15. Her problems:
Still lives her nightmarish past that has divided her personality into two (but she never agrees on this).

16. My problem:
My heart aches thinking about her adult life with so many broken cookie’s complains.

17. Our difference:
She badly fails to understand me when I try to help her in understanding herself.

18. Her sweetest word:
Take care of yourself “mare jaanu” i am not with you to look after.

19. Our adventure.
Start writing a love making scene then in the mid way stop writing and ask her to complete.

20. A thing that we just let it happen:
LOVE
OUR SWEET LOVE.
It just happens and we walk deep into each other’s soul.

God bless these soothesayers

God bless the soothsayer they are too sure about their words once my patience over-spilled as a writer and I was before the one. It was probably 2003. When I was in the mid of frustration.

That man looked deep into the lines of my palm and said patiently about the pressure I was carrying over my head but Soon things would go smooth. He said – “Next year I will hooked up into matrimony.”

I informed him my elder brother is still single.

He said– “Romantic relationship will bring happiness in my life.”

I looked at him again and without fail I corrected him – “Girls are out of my card. I only dream to be a writer. My novel is to complete and I need to find a good publisher.

“Soon, the fate of the girl will allow me to stay schedule with my creative urge that will do wonder. I will soon be likely to come across with some offers and that will fit in with my long term career goal.” He added.

"Well" his words were like a fairytale.

After a minute or two with a serious note in his voice he asked – "Is my father with me?"

Sadly I said -“No.”

He died …. But before I could complete my sentence he said being impatient – “I will lose my mother on 14^th Feb 2008.”

I had nothing further to ask him.

I was frozen first then melted badly into tears.

For the two long years I didn't dare to tell his words to anybody but his words keep on ringing in my mind. Slowly one afternoon I missed to hold it within me. “I lost my father it was in my hand. I will loose you it is also written in my hand and i know even the date.” I said it before everyone of my family and become emotional.

My elder brother’s wife who was also there came with her careful words – “Look you are still single and there is no drop in the matrimonial desert.”

Correct, she has a point but I remained tensed.

Till today my mother is with me happy and growing with life.